We have a name for our little boy

Catey and I have been through a whirlwind of decisions, what if's, emotions and heartbreak over the last week. We decided to break with tradition and let the name be known before the baby is born.

The name we have chosen for him is Samuel James Ball.

Samuel will never read this, but I would like to write this blog to him.

Samuel, your mother and I love you very much. I can't explain what that means because you will not understand until we meet you in a place where hands will work, arms will hold, minds can comprehend and eyes see and shed tears of joy. Your brothers and sisters want so badly for you to come home and grow up with them, play with them and learn life the way they have. Unfortunately you will not share those experiences in this life.

Oh how your mother and I wish to see your eyes behold the wonders of this world, the blue of the sky, the yellow and red of the warm, setting summer sun. Feel the rain on your face, play in the leaves of fall, show you the flowers as they bloom or watch you as you wander into snow for the first time. To be with you as you grow, walk, speak our names, call us when you are in need and wrap your little arms around us and kiss us goodnight or hear your first prayer.

We would love to hear you cross light-sabers in the backyard yelling and screaming playing Star Wars or Pirates with your brothers. We would give anything to hear your first laugh or console your tears as you learn to ride a bike for the first time. Your mother and I have shed many tears over the last few days, tears of sadness for these things which you won't see, experience or understand.

The pangs of this trial are seemingly too difficult to endure, and yet, strength comes from many sources, and touches us and tells us to move forward that these things we wish for you are not truly gone, but put on hold for another time....a time which seems so far away.

You have taught us so much about ourselves, what we believe, what we know, and about hope and faith I wish to thank you. I wish I could look in your eyes and express my gratitude for the lessons you are teaching us and that we are reluctantly learning. Nobody wants to learn lessons like these or understand the principles of faith behind them, however, I couldn't ask for a better teacher. Who knew a father could learn so much from a son. Even a son who will not speak, see or communicate except through raw spirit and emotion.

These lessons are difficult to bear but I am trying to be a good student. Please know we ache to hold you and simply let you know you have parents in this life who love you and only wish you had the opportunity to know them better.

Thank you Samuel.

-Dad

I caught a Hobbit!

I can't leave bad news posts up for too long.....so I thought I would post something funny today. This story comes from my Mother-In-Law (MIL) who works at a call-center for UPS here in Utah. The lady that works next to her has an adult disabled son who lives on his own but has others (and his family) check in on him from time to time to make sure he is getting his things done. He is a HUGE fan of the Lord of the Rings series. (This is important information for later.)

Last week, this lady was getting phone calls from her son:

Son: Mom.....MOM!.....I caught a Hobbit....what do I do with him?

Mom: (Thinking her son is playing a game with her) Well, son, I think you should take care of him, be nice to him, talk to him and everything will be ok. I have to get back to work.

Son: ....um......ok {Click}

20-30 minutes later he calls back

Son: Mom, Mom, Mom......my Hobbit is getting angry....what do I do.

Mom: Ok son, just take care of him, feed him something, try to keep him happy.

Son: ...but Mom, he is getting really mad, I don't know what to do...

Mom: I will come by after work and see what we can do.....

Son: Ok....but hurry. {click}

Calls like this go on throughout the day until she is off work. She leaves and heads off to her son's house.

The next day when she gets to work, my MIL asks if her son was ok. The lady puts her hand to her mouth with a *gasp* and says "You'll never believe it..."

Apparently she left work and went to her sons house. She opened the door and her son was jumping up and down in the front room pointing at the closet door yelling "I caught a Hobbit! I caught a Hobbit!"

The closet was barricaded with all the furniture he had keeping the door closed. When she asked what was in the closet, she heard banging from inside the closet. She was now very concerned what he had trapped in the closet and started to remove the furniture so she could get the door open and when it opened, there stood a little person (Midget). Shocked she asked what the heck he was doing in there!

He was a Jehovah's Witness who was out spreading the word and when he knocked on the door, the Son invited him in and asked him to stand in the closet....(why he agreed I'll never know) when he did, the Son slammed the door closed and propped it closed with a nearby chair. The poor guy had left his cell in his car so he couldn't call anyone for help. He had been trapped in there for hours.

The lady then told my MIL she started to think about the phone calls...."My Hobbit is getting really angry...."

She apologized profusely and tried to explain the situation to no avail....I guess he wants to press charges against the son for wrongful imprisonment or kidnapping or something. I hope it gets thrown out because....WHO GOES INTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND STANDS IN A CLOSET?!? Seriously.

Whether the Lady was telling my MIL the truth or not......it's a pretty funny story.


....I needed a good laugh today.

Our 8 Ball...

Last Thursday Catey and I went in for our routine ultrasound at 18 weeks. We found out we are having a little boy, we also found out our little boy isn't coming to us the way we thought. After 7 perfect children our little number 8 isn't so perfect....physically anyway. He has a condition called hydrocephalus or more commonly known as 'water on the brain'. In most cases, with today's medicine, once the child is born, a shunt can be placed to drain the excess water and the child will lead a pretty normal life, however, this is not the case for us.

We scheduled another appointment for today (Monday) to have a specialist review our case, take another ultrasound and see what they found, and their ultrasound confirmed the previous diagnosis.

The doctors have been very blunt (gratefully) and let us know that our prognosis is very grave and that this is a case bordering on the severe. They were very clear to make sure we understood they were not (and would not) "fill us with any false hope that this baby would have any chance for a normal life".

Over the past weekend, I have fasted and prayed, but every time I wanted to ask to have the baby be ok, it felt wrong. The only thing that felt appropriate was to fast and pray for my wife, her safety and piece of mind during this ordeal. The best example I can imagine that describes the of the pangs my heart, would be if you were to inflate a balloon in my chest to it's fullest then pop that balloon so that everything inside you collapses in on itself. It is sheer desperation, loss, void. There is no other feeling I have had like that......ever.

I have thought to ask God to remove this burden from our family, however, how does someone tell God what to do?

How do I get down on my knees to pray, and tell God what is best for me?

How do I tell him that I don't want a baby like this?

How do I (in good conscience) think to instruct him on the lessons he sees fit to teach me and my family?

Even Jesus Christ wanted his father to take his burden in the garden away, but then submitted to the will of his Father and simply asked for strength to endure.

I know this isn't what parents want.....certainly not what I would have asked for, however, I must remember that this life is a test.....a time to prepare to meet God....endure it well.

One of my favorite movies is the Muppets Christmas Carol (strange to think of that, I know) but in that rendition of Charles Dickens classic, Scrooge is shown a Christmas Future where the young Cratchit family is missing one of their own at the dinner table. Kermit (Bob Cratchit) notices the somber mood and says: "It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us."

If that line didn't break my heart before, even thinking of it now sure does. If this baby makes it all the way to birth (which at this point is very uncertain) then it may only live a few minutes, hours or days. Maybe it will find the strength to live longer and be here a few years.....I don't know, only time will tell. Regardless of how long this son of mine is here, it is our opportunity to embrace him and give him the best possible experience while here on Earth.

Some may be focused on the burden that lies ahead, some may wallow in self-pity, Catey and I have talked and neither are the case for us. What hurts the most is hearing our kids play outside, and knowing that this sweet little boy will never have the opportunity to blast out of the door and go play with his brothers and sisters. He won't kick a soccer ball, shoot a basketball or ride a bike or skateboard with those most near and dear to him in this life......it's unfair and it hurts to unbelievable levels to think of one of your own not having those precious experiences while in this life.

We could kick and scream, break things, hurt things, hate God or blame someone or something for this, but where would that get us? Would it change anything......of course not. This is the hour when I need my God the most. I need my friends the most, I need my family, my children and my wife.....and I am grateful for all of them. We are blessed to live where we do where all of what we need is so near and dear to us.

I will end this post with one of my other favorite movie quotes: "Whenever God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." I have always believed that, I guess it is his will that I learn it first hand.

You look pale.....

Everyone knows to stay out of the sun right?

It will do permanent damage to your skin.

You will get skin cancer.

You will look aged beyond your years.

You'll for sure look like this:



Sorry for that picture......BTW....she's 28.



I'm kidding.....she's not 28....I don't know how old she is but I would run if that were coming my direction.....she resembles a zombie of sorts and I am not interested in meeting a zombie like that without my shotgun....

....but I digress.

I just don't buy it anymore. I did a little research on this a while back and it appears that the rate of skin cancer has skyrocketed. Let me throw some statistics at you....ready?


- More than half of all new cancers are skin cancers.

- More then 1.3 million new cases of skin cancer will be diagnosed in the United States in 2007, about 80 percent are basal cell carcinoma, 16 percent are squamous cell carcinoma and 4 percent are melanoma.

- In 2007, an estimated 10,000 people will die of skin cancer – 8,000 from melanoma and 2,000 from squamous cell carcinoma.

- In 2007, there will be about 53,000 new cases of melanoma – 30,000 men and 23,000 women. At current rates one in 71 Americans have a lifetime risk of developing melanoma.

- One person dies of melanoma every hour.

Disturbing right? OF COURSE IT IS....my gosh....those are horrifying stats for anyone.


Do you know when skin cancer took off and started spiking on every chart out there......late 60's. Ten years after Sunblock was mass produced with the government pounding it into us that sunblock was a necessity and everyone should start using it. First it was SPF8 then 15 then 20 then 40 or 50.

Interestingly the rate of skin cancer shadows the use of the skin care products?.......Interesting.

Did you know recent studies show we may be sunblocking (yes I used it as a verb....clever on my part I think) our way into Vitamin D deficiency which could lead to much larger problems than skin cancer?

Did you know that the government and the drug companies who produce sunblock made a secret pact with the devil to rape human existence for billions while killing themselves?

ok...I made that last one up, but seriously folks....I think we need to use the age old saying "Moderation in all things" to explain proper sun exposure.

The skin produces vitamin D.....it is built to help you (Vitamin D is a good thing). Stopping the largest organ in your body from doing what it is supposed to do just doesn't seem right. Please don't comment about your mom or dad or brothers cousins, former roommate who sat in a tanning bed and had skin cancer so bad they had to amputate his or her face......I don't want to hear it.

OF COURSE be careful in the sun....nobody wants a sunburn, and overexposure WILL do you harm. Just like too much alcohol kills your liver, staring at the sun will ruin your eyes and excessive eating will lead to overworking your heart and death. However, moderate sun exposure makes you look and feel healthy....studies show it....why would the Internet lie? Link

Get a tan....who wants to look like this:



I love Jim Gaffigan....he is funny.....he is pale.

Ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at someone and said: "Oh you look so healthy and pale....."

......never.

Since the sun is starting to come out for spring, get out there, enjoy the sun.......because you look pale.....



(***Note*** the Surgeon General does not endorse the opinions stated in this blog. The government also can neither confirm or deny any alleged agreement with certain unnamed drug companies or anyone by the name 'Lucifer', 'Satan' or 'The Devil'.)

Reality Bites

Ok, so a little update on things and I hope to be a better blogger through school over the next few years.....If you care.

I went to my orientation for school last week and they gave me my book list and cost (ready?)

$935.00....yes folks, that is just for the books.


I think college text books are a racket and should be tried for cruel and unusual punishment. They put these books out there for a year or two and then {BAM} someone else comes out with a new edition and they require everyone to get the new, newest, newer versions. Costing the students hundreds more.

Crazy....I am going to use some books for 3 months and it costs me $900+ to do that....sad very sad.

Not to mention the tuition.....for Nursing it is almost $560 per credit hour.....NOT per class.....per Credit hour. So lets do the math shall we? If my class is 4 credit hours that is $560 x 4......$2240 for the one class. I am taking 5 this first quarter. The books for that class are $400 just for the one class.

Is anyone crying out there, or am I crying alone.....{sniff}


They say (I love it when people use 'they'....who are 'they'?.....I digress) that education is worth it....it better be. I guess when I am in the ER or OR (or wherever I end up after I graduate)it will pay off and be worth it. At least I hope so for their sake....no?

Let me give you some staggering stats about nursing that I found out this week....do you know why the industry is hurting for nurses so bad? Guess what the % of people who graduate leave the field within 18 months......


....give up?


50%!! That is right folks....half. The national average of people who graduate, then leave the field within a year and a half is half.....crazy people. What kind of people want to shell out over $50K then do something else?....crazy people.

Oh well.

I feel like I am at scout camp....that first day....staring into the lake (with ice floating) that I am about to jump into, knowing it will be so cold that my brain will freeze from the outside in and my muscles will freeze and I will probably drown. Ladies, ask your husbands....they will tell you, it is terrifying.



That is me right now....scared out of my mind.

News

I am such a crappy blogger lately....lots to do, work has been busy....blah blah blah....crappy blogger, no excuses.

If you haven't heard I was accepted to nursing school and I start in one month. They had over 100 applicants for 12 spots, I got one of them....lucky I guess. Hopefully I can secure the funding so it won't all be for naught.

If I do get the funding, after the next 24 months, I will be a real-live RN...like giving people shots, patching them up in the ER.....crazy. No doubt I will love it, but really it seem surreal right now.

They are moving us at work from one office building to another. They did this two years ago, now they are moving us back. They put me right outside the CEO/Vice President's office.....hahaha.....what were they thinking?

I think I am going to put a 20' mirror ball above my desk and shine a spotlight on it from time to time....just to make sure they know I am there. Sound fun?

Can I vent for a min (of course I can....who am I kidding, this is MY blog)....I hate corporate America. (Does anyone love it?)





That's it, that is my vent for now.



I would like to vent about a lot of things but I think I will use that 'internal filter' that everyone seems to think I don't have and not say anything.....

....to be continued?

(p.s. I am back on Facebook, cause I like to waste time like that)

Out of my league

I married out of my league.....really I did. I say and do things that make Catey crazy and she puts up with me. She is patient and understanding of me and my quirks.

Just thought I would blog about my wife and how wonderful she is.